Texting And Selfies
Brenda and I head out on the greenbelt for a bike ride at least 4 times a week. During those rides we’ve seen some incredible stuff (in the immortal words of Chuck Barris). We experienced not just ordinary but extraordinary events. Last week we had the story about the drunk, naked, unicyclist, now that’s talent. But that’s now what we’re talking about here.
At least a dozen times this last week we’ve almost had wrecks with people who are trying to ride a bike and text at the same time. Now don’t get me wrong, I believe if you are able to drive a car and text without looking like you got your license from a quarter vending machine, then by all means go for it. So let’s set up a few types of people and the rules for bicycle riding and texting.
Person 1. If you are under 18 and being forced into family time riding a bike, you are given a free pass. You should be able to text while you wobble all over the greenbelt and everyone around you will be required to get out of your way, even if it means having to take a sudden dive in the river or a big patch of goatheads. Face it you are our future and it’s up to us to make sure your life is as stress free as possible. For that matter we, the older people who should bow down to you because you do know everything and we are one step from the old timers home, will carry bubble wrap just in case we don’t get out of the way and we collide. The bubble wrap will then be deployed so you have a soft landing while we break a hip, or what ever other body part you think people over 30 break on a regular basis.
Person 2. Business people, not only are you working on important projects but you are trying to keep up with the boss (brown nosing) on those lunch time bike rides. Good Lord forbid you not show the boss just how important you are to the company. In your case not only should the rest of us follow Rule 1, but we the lower corporate ladder working or non-working will grab your handles and steer your bike safely while keeping up with your boss, That way he/she will never know how much effort you actually use when you are in suck up mode.
Person3. The person who still has a flip phone and is trying to test. You will be allowed to borrow any android, smart, I and other kind of phone that has a keyboard to properly text on. It’s down right a travesty that you are stuck in 2000 while the rest of the world has moved on. For that matter you are also going to get personal texting lessons from a 12 year old who has a better phone than you will ever have.
Person 4. The girl in a a dress on the bike date. You thought it was such a good idea to get on a heavy bike, with one gear and go ride on a date. Little did you know, you would have to worry about sweating and your dress blowing up in your face showing off your date panties. Since you have to take selfies of your date and send them to all your friends, showing just how much fun you date is (even though it isn’t). You will have the ability to make anyone your personal assistant. This person will be responsible for keeping your skirt/dress from flying up while the bike is moving and to run along side the bike while pushing it along so you won’t sweat. For crying out loud every girl should be treated like a Kardashian and not just any Kardashian, you should be treated just like Kim, I mean isn’t that what’s supposed to happen in real life.
Person 5. You are hip, cool, trendy and over 70. Yes you wear bicycle shorts when you shouldn’t and your dress khaki’s when you exercise. You also have figured out Facebook and how to post things on your phone. If you can’t text right now, you may not be able to do it in an hour. You don’t buy green bananas so you need to text now. The problem is it takes you an hour to send one text, so when you bike you will now have that grandson/granddaughter, who ignore you when you visit….especially when you wear your bike shorts around the house.
I figure a week maybe two at the most with these rules and Darwin’s theory will take hold, making the greenbelt safe once again for the rest of us. Happy peddling.